Even

I've learned something today. I can't tell the stories to go with it, I'm afraid, but I feel I need to capture the learning.

It started several weeks ago. I was feeling a bit neglected. People were asking a lot of me, but not really noticing me. These are people who I know care about me, but they were very busy checking in and getting things done. Over a quiet coffee that afternoon I reflected on it, and realised that they assume I'm okay. If they thought I wasn't, they'd have stopped in their tracks and listened.

So that's one lesson: maybe it's not such a good idea to put on a brave face, because people might believe it. It deprives us of the opportunity to be honest together and grow together.

Today that lesson expanded for me. I learned that three people I have been critical of have serious problems of their own. I realised that I respond generously and with compassion when I know there is weakness, but if I think the person's okay, I have higher expectations... and then I criticise when they fall short.

Does this mean I am trying to knock them down?

The lesson for me: Assume everyone has a good reason for behaving the way they do. And if they seem completely okay, then care still, in case there is a problem they are hiding, just waiting for someone to give them time to bring it out.

There is another part to this: having problems doesn't relieve people of accountability for their behaviour. Being their friend means holding onto the friendship, yet expecting them to live up to responsibilities and face their problems, because I am their friend and I want to see them grow. This is much harder than just criticising, and much better for all of us.

I am okay, by the way: I am learning, and that always makes me happy. And things are happening, and going well, too.

Comments

[Jonathan Benz]

Great post, Tracy. I believe that people behave for very logical reasons, even if the behaviour seems illogical to me. Yours is a good reminder to us to not judge without looking deeper, more intently, more thoughtfully. Yes, indeed all is well.